Birthdays: Appreciating the amazing people in your life, and taking care of yourself.

I love birthdays. We get gifts, cards, flowers, cakes, parties, and eat and drink a lot of good stuff. Receiving phone calls, reading Facebook messages, and hearing happy birthday wishes in person tops it all off. Doesn’t it all make you feel good? Birthdays are a celebration of the day that people came into this world. As each person gets another year older, we wish that his or her next year of life will be a happy, healthy, and amazing one! It’s hard to not feel loved when it’s your birthday, right? Not that we don’t any other time of the year, but it is nice to feel that love accentuated on that one special day. It is a special day. It is the day we came into existence.

My day always brings with it special themes and lessons. The most important part of birthdays for me is spending time with my family and friends. I have an amazing time with them every year, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. That really is what I look forward to each year. I am so thankful for the people I have in my life and what they do for me, and being able to spend my day with them allows me to consciously reflect upon that.

My mother goes all out for my birthday. Sometimes I wonder if she loves it more than I do. But I realize it is a special day for her as well. She treats me like a queen, and its nice. But what I really take from it is how I don’t know what I would do without her, and I remind myself how appreciative I am to have her as a mom. Every year she does everything she can to make my birthday better than the last. Who wouldn’t want a mom like that? She always brings me flowers to work. This year I was only working a half-day, and she overslept after she got my brother off to school that morning. I was about 15 minutes away from leaving work, and she still showed up to get them to me before I left. I poked fun at her, but it was awesome that she brought them to me, even if they only sat on my desk for 10 minutes.

When I went in to work that morning, my desk was decorated with a balloon and happy birthday sign. I asked who had done it, but no one knew. I went almost the entire time I was at work not knowing who had done such a nice thing. I thought one of my closest co-workers had done it, and wanted to keep it a secret. I finally asked the right person, who saw who had put up the decorations, and I was very surprised to learn who it was. I really had never expected such a thing from this person. It was a humbling experience for me to experience the kindness and thoughtfulness from someone who I have never really put much time into getting to know. It may not have been a big deal to her, but it was to me. I’m looking forward to passing that thoughtfulness on to someone who wouldn’t expect it from me.

I must also mention that my friend had set out to make a cake for me. The night before my birthday, she put it in the oven, went to lie down, and feel asleep. She woke up to a burnt cake, and had to throw the cake and the pan away. She lost a nice pan I’m sure. So there was no cake, but her efforts and lost cake pan said enough. She felt bad, but I don’t think she realized how nice she made me feel. It wasn’t about what had happened, but what she was attempting to do.

Birthdays are a time where we can allow ourselves be nurtured and loved. The stories I have shared from my birthday this year are examples of just that. We give and give all year long to everyone and everything, so let others do nice things for you on your birthday. However, acknowledge the things that those wonderful people do for you. Reflect upon how lucky you are to receive love, support, and comfort, and remember to pay it forward to someone on his or her special day.

It is also important to remember to do something nice for yourself. After having painful foot surgery 6 weeks ago, I finally felt ready to get a pedicure. My foot looked terrible, so I went and nurtured myself after work. My feet felt like a million bucks! I’m back to normal and my feet are pretty again! What I did seems trivial, but simply doing something nice for myself increased my ability to do sometime nice for someone else. We cannot give fully to others with an empty or depleted soul, and it is up to us to take care of ourselves. People may do nice things for us, but they are not going to take care of us. That is our job. We can’t love others unless we love ourselves, and I take that to heart on my birthday!

Will Everything Really Be OK? What You Are Really Saying To People Who Are In Emotional Pain.

I have been trying to find this stray cat a home for several weeks now that my parents and their neighbors have been taking care of. No one can take her in, including myself, and so I had told all of my co-workers about a free homeless cat. I then learned that a co-worker’s cat had died unexpectedly. I was told to ask her if she wanted the cat. I thought it was a bit too soon to do that, but I sought her out to talk about what had happened. I was concerned. To my surprise she was just as angry as she seemed sad. She said that she was devastated because her cat was family, but everyone had been telling her that it was just a cat, no big deal, and to get over it. Everything would be OK. She felt like there was something wrong with her being upset and not feeling OK about the terrible thing that had just happened to her.

That experience with my co-worker had heightened my awareness to people’s reactions toward negative events. I then dealt with an issue that caused me great deal of pain. I received the same response from people. Everything will be OK; don’t worry. Then a few of my other friends had negative things happen to them, and it got me to wondering why everyone automatically just wants to tell you that everything will be OK!

When someone tells you about their problems, have you ever felt the need to solve them for them? Did you hesitate, or not know what to say because you felt uncomfortable? Was “I’m sorry, don’t worry, everything will be OK” the only thing you could come up with? Did you feel relief in telling them those things?

I think it’s obviously human nature to try to fix problems, even if to only take away the pain someone is feeling. But honestly, when you tell a person that everything is OK, you ARE attempting to solve their problems. You may be trying to make them feel better, and you may in your heart truly feel that everything will be OK, but you are also lessening the discomfort that is created by the negative event, and that person’s emotional response to it. Those words invalidate a person’s experience and the natural emotions that are elicited. Are people even asking us to solve their problems? In most cases, unless they point blank ask you to, that is not what they are looking for in disclosing their pain to you.

It’s interesting because I got into a friendly argument one day with a friend about this very topic. She doesn’t see anything wrong with saying those types of things. I told her that is seems OK because no one really knows what else they are supposed to say, plus it’s the easy thing to do because you are being positive. That is not a bad thing, but what if that person doesn’t want to be OK at that time? You are telling them that everything will be OK when you really don’t know that it will be. Why can’t we just let them feel what they feel, embrace it, and then let them tap into their inner resources to pull themselves out into a positive light? I believe that most people know intuitively that there is a purpose for everything and that things will be OK. But trust me, it’s usually far in the back of their brain when something bad happens. Let them pull it back to the front of their brain when they are ready; you don’t have to do it for them. I think we have to really pay attention to what we are actually saying to people, and trust that they can work things out for themselves.

One of the biggest misconceptions I find through working to become a therapist is that people think when I get my masters degree and license, I will automatically be able to fix their problems. In fact, I’m sure I will deal clients who will in fact tell me that they have come to therapy for me to do just that. However, here is the last thing I will sit around and do; tell people not to worry, it’s not a big deal, get over it, and it will be OK. I also won’t tell them what to do. People have every right to be upset, worry, stress out, and to think their world must be crashing down on them. So why would it OK for me to tell them to not feel those things? I know and trust that others can solve their own problems and work through what they are feeling, and I will help them do just that. I will not fix them and take their pain away for them. I will not accept responsibility for others problems and pain.

So what should you say then to someone who is in emotional pain by way of a negative life event? Well I’m not going to tell you what to say, but I can tell you what I told my co-worker who lost her cat. I first explored the circumstances of what happened, and she gave me details. We talked about it, and then I said, “I’m so sad to hear about this, and this must have been so devastating. It was out of nowhere! Of course you should be upset, sad, and angry. I know I would be if I were in your place. What a terrible thing to have happen! You have every right to feel the way you do. I will be thinking about you a lot. I trust that you will work through your pain and come out on the other side!” She walked away from me with I smile because I think I was the first person that listened to her and acknowledged her pain. My goal was to understand her, not fix her. And I didn’t.  I dove into her emotions with her and empathized. Honestly, I think she knew that everything was going to be OK; she just didn’t want to be told that. I trusted that she would work it out on her own, and she knew I was there for her. That is all she needed. 

In my next post, I plan to apply what I have been talking about in this post to the fundamental differences between men and women. I’m reading this book right now called, “Men, Women, and Relationships” by Dr. John Gray, and what I have read is so super interesting! Stay tuned :). 

The Power Of Apologies And The Gifts We Receive From Others

Excluding the circumstances around it, I recently found myself being a woman and thinking with my emotions, thus making a judgment about someone’s behavior. It’s normal. I told them all about how I felt, and it wasn’t very nice. There is a difference in judging behavior and judging personal character, and I failed to convey my judgment for behavior. I believe it came off as an attack on character. I will learn from this. Given that I can swallow my pride and admit when I do something that was out of my character and may have hurt the feelings of another, I offered an apology. I acted in a manner, that when reflected upon, made me feel very uncomfortable and disappointed in myself. How many times can we all say that we have done this? And how can we prevent ourselves from doing this in the future? Well, I really don’t think we can, especially when emotions and passion get involved. It takes great awareness. Plus we are human, and its natural to make judgments and hurt other’s feelings.

This is why Melody Beattie, in “The language of letting go”, says that the words ‘I’m sorry’ were invented. She says we use them to mend bridges and heal wounds. I will say that I only use the words when I am truly sorry, and will not use “I’m sorry” as a way to excuse and make up for being insensitive to others. I’m selective in being sorry, and when I say it, I mean it with all that exists in me. I think it’s ok though to not be sorry at times, especially when you are true to yourself and do not aim to inflict harm on anyone else. Sometimes you just can’t be sorry. Beattie says there is no shame in taking care of ourselves, setting boundaries, dealing with feelings, having fun, and even trying to live a healthy life. So next time, be sincerely sorry when you need to be, and be ok in the times when you don’t believe you need to be.

I used my sincere apology to acknowledge the other person’s feelings, and to say that my actions were not representative of my character; because I know in my heart this is true. The disappointing and toughest part was that I did not feel that my apology was accepted. Instead, I was given a taste of my own medicine with a judgment on my character. I’m not going to say that I didn’t deserve it. The only difference is that I don’t need or want an apology for the retaliation, or for the person’s need to put me in my place. I already forgive the mistake this person has made about who I am. When we feel good about ourselves, we can offer apologies, and accept them when they are offered to us. And when we have love in our hearts and are able to see the good in others, we can forgive.

I’m pretty certain that relationship has come to an end. I hate that. One of my biggest fears is to lose a friend. I know its possible to maintain relationships….I’m studying how to help people do that everyday. I KNOW it’s possible. However, is it healthy and productive to maintain a relationship to relieve that fear? Absolutely not. And it takes more than one person to make it work. Not everyone can make it or want it to work, and thus we loose some very good people in our lives from petty arguments and stupid lapses in judgment. It happens. But what keeps me going is to leave the negativity I could have behind, and to focus on the positive lessons I learned. I try to find something positive from a 1 second relationship with a stranger just as much as I do with a person I have known for months or years, so time is of no relevance to me.

Every person we come into contact with has something positive to offer us; a gift. I think the ability to see it though lies within the person. Beattie says that we often learn to increase confidence and self-esteem, how to detach, set boundaries, and how to own our own power from others; should we choose to. She says we learn the most important lessons are from those who we wouldn’t expect to get them from. So here is a challenge: identify a person you may not expect to learn anything positive from, and try to. I’m sure it’s possible. Even if you can only find something negative (if it’s the only option for you), reframe it into something positive. For example, I know a very hateful person, and can honestly say I do not see anything good in them. Therefore, this person has taught me that a life of negativity is not for me; so I work everyday to be thankful and positive for others and myself. This person allows me to keep being optimistic. Melody Beattie says even if you do not know the gift, trust that one is there. In time, you will discover it, and be thankful for it. So, in moving on and leaving a person behind; it’s sad, but not so much when I see the good they helped me to create in my own life.

Beattie, M. (1990). The language of letting go. New York, NY: Harper & Row Publishers Inc.

Do You Experience Workplace Bullying?

I have read and watched so much on television about bullying in recent times. I love how last night Glee really zeroed in on gay bullying. The awareness it brings helps people to identify it when it is occurring so that it can be addressed and stopped. The only thing that is missing is a way to empower people to actually address it and say no: to know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with them and they don’t have to take the abuse. Way too many young people are taking their lives at the expense of ignorant people looking to fill their empty egos and low self-esteem.

With that I transition into a very related topic that I have dealt with indirectly for way too long: workplace bullying. I did a quick non-scientific search on Wikipedia, and found their definition of workplace bullying to be the tendency of individuals or groups to use persistent aggressive or unreasonable behavior against a co-worker or subordinate. Tactics used can be verbal and nonverbal, can be psychological, and can include physical abuse and humiliation. The interesting thing about workplace bullies is that they tend to work within the rules and policies that their company or organization has in place. Their bullying tends to occur regularly, endure over long periods of time, and increase over time. There is definitely a power component to this and any other type of bullying or abuse. I can apply the power and control wheel here; workplace bullies may use intimidation, coercion and threats, emotional abuse (putting you down), and isolation to gain power and control over others. If you come into work afraid of what your coworker might do to you that day; then they are evoking fear and intimidation to control and exert power over you. They also may minimize, deny, or blame you for workplace problems, or even make problems out of nothing so that they have a reason to come after you. Here are some other tactics I found:

1. Falsely accused someone of "errors" not actually made.
2. Stared, glared, was nonverbally intimidating and was clearly showing hostility.
3. Discounted the person's thoughts or feelings ("oh, that's silly") in meetings.
4. Used the "silent treatment" to "ice out" and separate from others.
5. Exhibited presumably uncontrollable mood swings in front of the group.
6. Made up own rules on the fly that even she/he did not follow.
7. Disregarded satisfactory or exemplary quality of completed work despite evidence.
8. Harshly and constantly criticized having a different standard for the target.
9. Started, or failed to stop, destructive rumors or gossip about the person.
10. Encouraged people to turn against the person being tormented.
11. Singled out and isolated one person from coworkers, either socially or physically.
12. Yelled, screamed, threw tantrums in front of others to humiliate a person.
13. Stole credit for work done by others (plagiarism).
14. Abused the evaluation process by lying about the person's performance.
15. Declared target "insubordinate" for failing to follow arbitrary commands.
16. Retaliated against the person after a complaint was filed.
17. Made verbal put-downs/insults based on gender, race, accent, age or language, disability.
18. Assigned undesirable work as punishment.
19. Created unrealistic demands (workload, deadlines, duties) for person singled out.
20. Launched a baseless campaign to oust the person; effort not stopped by the employer.
21. Encouraged the person to quit or transfer rather than to face more mistreatment.
22. Sabotaged the person's contribution to a team goal and reward.

I see this everyday. Everyone around me sees this everyday. So why hasn’t anyone said anything? Why hasn’t anyone stood up to it, and shouted loudly, NO! Well, in this case, and most others, I would say it is due to learned helplessness. We have all learned to be powerless over our situations/ circumstances/environments. People have brushed it aside, invalidated the experiences of the employees, and have sent them back to their desk like nothing even happened. Like the victim made it up! The people who bully know they can get away with it, and continue to do so. What’s stopping them, and what good does it do to keep complaining about it? No one will do anything! Maybe it is me that is creating this in my own mind? Can we see how wrong this is on so many levels?!!! We are reinforcing the bully’s behavior by saying it’s ok, keep coming at me, I can’t do anything about it. Plus, from my own personal opinion, I feel that the situations are so bad within companies that they would literally have to bring someone in to restructure the entire place, work on communication, team building, and so on. I’m sure some employers look at what needs to be done and say to hell with it. That is more work than just letting the situation continue. Maybe it will just go away.

The saddest thing about this situation is that most people need their jobs to keep them afloat financially. How much room do any of us have right now to be searching for jobs that aren’t available. For many, its better to tough it out with the crappy job they have than to not have one at all. They are stuck. They have nowhere else to go. Having a voice could mean not having a job at all. Is it a risk one is willing to take? I’m guessing not so much.

Here are the health affects. People are more stressed, which affects their physical and mental health, leading to more sick days taken. Employees become emotionally exhausted for obvious reasons! Effects can be even more severe as leading to PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and even suicide. I wonder if anyone really thinks about this! Financial costs to employers surely takes a hit as well considering these bullies are spending more time terrorizing their victims than actually doing their work. They might as well change their job title to bully! The number of lost dollars is in the millions; it’s unbelievable!

From “How to have confidence and power in dealing with people” by Les Gibson, here is how to understand a bully. When they attempt to make you feel inferior, they are showing that they in fact have a low opinion of themselves. The bully needs so badly to increase his or her self-importance by means of putting you down. The bully is also afraid. I try to look at them like they are scared little children.  

In my situation, I am making the decision to stand up to this crap! I can’t see friends and the people I love be subjected to this nonsense. I can do this though because I am pretty fearless. I value my integrity, loyalty, and dedication to do good and help others in this world. I’m also pretty persistent. I know it’s easier said than done, but I hope I have empowered and inspired others to stand up to workplace bullies. Band together with your co-workers and work with management to put an end to it. The more people who come forward, the more valid the experiences are, and the more it can’t be denied. These bullies are not as scary as they may seem.

References

Wikipedia-Yes I used it.

Giblin, L. (1956). How to have confidence and power in dealing with people. New York, NY: Penguin Putnam Incorporated.

Check out:

http://www.workplacebullying.org

Power and Control Wheel: http://www.uic.edu/depts/owa/power_control-wheel.html

*To Thine Own Self Be True*

To Thine Own Self Be True: this phrase is so important to me that I have it tattooed on my back. However sometimes I literally, and figuratively forget it's there. 

I picked up this meditation book tonight to read that my dear friend Nancy gave me when I was living in Chattanooga, TN. I have so much going on in my life that I sometimes forget to stop and take care of myself, and I felt like after working through some recent challenges it was time to get back to my insightful self. I'm sure I will be talking about the book a lot.

No matter what date in the book I turn to (there is a meditation for every day of the year), it never fails to speak to how I'm feeling or something I have been dealing with. But when I turned to November 8th, I read the words, "To thine own self be true". It was pretty powerful. 


It's so easy to get caught up in the needs and feelings of others, it says. After everything I have been through in my life, that is something I can do without even thinking about it. But why is it that we find it so hard to listen to ourselves? To know and carry through with what know we need? Why don't we listen to our feelings, what they are telling us, and where they want us to go? Trusting instincts is for me, a very difficult thing to do, even though I do it better now than I ever have before. Most of the time I don't think they make sense or are just trying to confuse me. A lot of the time my instincts don't match up with what I want to tell myself I want or need for myself. Emphasis on what I want to tell myself to think or believe. When it comes to other people, and definitely relationships, my instincts and my thoughts carry out a bloody war with one another. It's an internal power struggle between the two, and I am right in the middle. When my instincts kick in and alert me that something is wrong, I immediately shift in to rationalization mode as to make those instincts go away. I try to talk them down. Give me more time please! I'm not ready for them! 


So honestly have my instincts always been right? No. But they were right most of the time. And I was true to myself. I could spend forever trying to justify doing things for others, pleasing and catering to their needs. But what about mine? When we let go of the confusion and honor and respect who we are, there is no way we can look back on a decision and say that it was wrong. It seems better consider a decision to be wrong based on following our instincts than to be wrong doing what we thought was best for ourselves based on the influence of others. If they love us and value our friendship, they will understand in the moment we displeased them. They will know what its like to follow our own truth. To thine own self be true: it's really that simple, and yet so powerful.