I have been trying to find this stray cat a home for several weeks now that my parents and their neighbors have been taking care of. No one can take her in, including myself, and so I had told all of my co-workers about a free homeless cat. I then learned that a co-worker’s cat had died unexpectedly. I was told to ask her if she wanted the cat. I thought it was a bit too soon to do that, but I sought her out to talk about what had happened. I was concerned. To my surprise she was just as angry as she seemed sad. She said that she was devastated because her cat was family, but everyone had been telling her that it was just a cat, no big deal, and to get over it. Everything would be OK. She felt like there was something wrong with her being upset and not feeling OK about the terrible thing that had just happened to her.
That experience with my co-worker had heightened my awareness to people’s reactions toward negative events. I then dealt with an issue that caused me great deal of pain. I received the same response from people. Everything will be OK; don’t worry. Then a few of my other friends had negative things happen to them, and it got me to wondering why everyone automatically just wants to tell you that everything will be OK!
When someone tells you about their problems, have you ever felt the need to solve them for them? Did you hesitate, or not know what to say because you felt uncomfortable? Was “I’m sorry, don’t worry, everything will be OK” the only thing you could come up with? Did you feel relief in telling them those things?
I think it’s obviously human nature to try to fix problems, even if to only take away the pain someone is feeling. But honestly, when you tell a person that everything is OK, you ARE attempting to solve their problems. You may be trying to make them feel better, and you may in your heart truly feel that everything will be OK, but you are also lessening the discomfort that is created by the negative event, and that person’s emotional response to it. Those words invalidate a person’s experience and the natural emotions that are elicited. Are people even asking us to solve their problems? In most cases, unless they point blank ask you to, that is not what they are looking for in disclosing their pain to you.
It’s interesting because I got into a friendly argument one day with a friend about this very topic. She doesn’t see anything wrong with saying those types of things. I told her that is seems OK because no one really knows what else they are supposed to say, plus it’s the easy thing to do because you are being positive. That is not a bad thing, but what if that person doesn’t want to be OK at that time? You are telling them that everything will be OK when you really don’t know that it will be. Why can’t we just let them feel what they feel, embrace it, and then let them tap into their inner resources to pull themselves out into a positive light? I believe that most people know intuitively that there is a purpose for everything and that things will be OK. But trust me, it’s usually far in the back of their brain when something bad happens. Let them pull it back to the front of their brain when they are ready; you don’t have to do it for them. I think we have to really pay attention to what we are actually saying to people, and trust that they can work things out for themselves.
One of the biggest misconceptions I find through working to become a therapist is that people think when I get my masters degree and license, I will automatically be able to fix their problems. In fact, I’m sure I will deal clients who will in fact tell me that they have come to therapy for me to do just that. However, here is the last thing I will sit around and do; tell people not to worry, it’s not a big deal, get over it, and it will be OK. I also won’t tell them what to do. People have every right to be upset, worry, stress out, and to think their world must be crashing down on them. So why would it OK for me to tell them to not feel those things? I know and trust that others can solve their own problems and work through what they are feeling, and I will help them do just that. I will not fix them and take their pain away for them. I will not accept responsibility for others problems and pain.
So what should you say then to someone who is in emotional pain by way of a negative life event? Well I’m not going to tell you what to say, but I can tell you what I told my co-worker who lost her cat. I first explored the circumstances of what happened, and she gave me details. We talked about it, and then I said, “I’m so sad to hear about this, and this must have been so devastating. It was out of nowhere! Of course you should be upset, sad, and angry. I know I would be if I were in your place. What a terrible thing to have happen! You have every right to feel the way you do. I will be thinking about you a lot. I trust that you will work through your pain and come out on the other side!” She walked away from me with I smile because I think I was the first person that listened to her and acknowledged her pain. My goal was to understand her, not fix her. And I didn’t. I dove into her emotions with her and empathized. Honestly, I think she knew that everything was going to be OK; she just didn’t want to be told that. I trusted that she would work it out on her own, and she knew I was there for her. That is all she needed.
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